Originally published on Writer’s Resist and HuffPost in early 2017. So far, I don’t think I was entirely off base except that there are more ferrets and even dumber people involved than I imagined.
1987 – The Art of the Deal: Nukes Edition
Trump decides that Moscow needs a Trump hotel and like every good realtor does, he thinks about how good he would be at solving nuclear proliferation issues.
Trump: I have a great idea because real estate deals are just like nuclear arms treaties. The Soviet Union and I should work together and bomb France.
Soviet Union: We’ve never heard of you. Also, dial it down, freak.
1996 – Trump hearts Moscow
Trump: I heart Moscow so much that I want to put an exact copy of Trump Tower there. Also, I am broke.
Russians: *sigh* Fine. We heart you too, weirdo. Why don’t we buy a bunch of condos from you so you won’t be so broke?
2007 – Trump Vodka
Trump: I love Russia so much that I made gold Vodka.
Russia: You are gross. Here is some more money though.
2008 – Donald Trump, Jr. visits Moscow a bunch
Junior: Dad has piles of money pouring in from Russia so maybe he will finally remember which son I am.
Also in 2008 – Russia Rolls on into Georgia (the country)
Georgia: Maybe we should, like, join NATO or the EU?
American People: *yawn*
Press: Something, something…here are pictures of tanks.
American People: Cool tanks, bro. Hey, wonder if taking out a home equity loan to buy a Mercedes was a bad move?
2013 – Trump’s Miss Universe Pageant Goes to Moscow
Trump: Oligarchs are everywhere! I love oligarchs! Hey, what does ‘oligarch’ mean?
Prostitute: It’s where a guy is part of a little group that has all the money and political power in a country.
Trump: *jumps up and sings* I wanna be an oligarch!
Prostitute: *yawns* Smile for the camera, dipshit.
That’s an overview of Trump’s little case of Russophilia. It could be perfectly innocent; people do get crushes on countries, like Madonna when she suddenly had a British accent for no reason.
As for Russia, we all know the Soviet Union collapsed and we sort of thought we were friends and everything was fine. Unfortunately, some things went down in Russia while we were busy worrying about sleeper cells and Adam Lambert. It got a little dictator(ish) and didn’t appreciate having NATO nearby or that whole European Union thing. Putin was also afraid Hillary Clinton might push democracy down everyone’s throats which would be super inconvenient.
2014 – Russia invades Ukraine
Russia: *whistles and looks around* Rolling on into Georgia was pretty cool so we’re just gonna go ahead take Crimea, okay-thanks-bye!
American People: *yawn*
Press: Something, something…Putin, natural gas, pipelines.
American Government and the EU: *handwringing* How about some sanctions?
Putin: Your dumb sanctions are fucking with my gazillion dollar deal with Exxon. That is a problem.
Exxon: Yeah, sanctions are harshing our gazillion dollar buzz about drilling the shit out of the Black Sea.
American People: Ice Bucket Challenge!
Putin’s New To-Do List
- Break up NATO
- Break up the EU
- Fuck with the Americans
- Make a gazillion dollars
- Make the ol’ empire big again
July 2015 – Putin meets with top aides (the ones he hasn’t poisoned yet)
Putin: Where are we on breaking up NATO and the EU?
Aides: Just propping up the anti-globalization whiners. The usual.
Putin: Boring. How’s our ‘Fucking with the Americans’ thing going?
Aides: Terrific! Donald Trump just said he’s going to run for president.
Aides: That fat American we filmed doing gross stuff with hookers.
Putin: Yeah, that narrows it down…
Aides: You know, the broke one with the weird hair. Says you’re buddies.
Putin: Oh, him. What a douchebag.
Aides: He’s the douchiest.
Putin: Welp. I’ve got a gazillion dollars on the line and an empire to build so go make life suck for Hillary.
This turned out to be a pretty easy project. Sean Hannity and the rest of White Power radio had become extra-deranged after years of Obama so they happily worked alongside the Macedonian trolls and Internet bots on Facebook and Twitter to amplify the irrational Hillary hate that they’d been fomenting for over 2 decades.
Pop Quiz: Why do you hate Hillary Clinton?
Americans: We don’t. Most of us voted for her.
Trump Voters: Because…pant suits? Emails? WE DON’T KNOW WHY SHUT UP.
Stirring up animosity toward Hillary Clinton and taking advantage of Trump’s natural tendency to be an authoritarian asshole didn’t take much effort and it was also probably a breeze to gain access to the Trump inner circle in order to plant pro-Russian sentiments. After all, who doesn’t have associates who work for Russian mobsters and moonlight as FBI informants? Trump buildings are infested with that kind of sleaze. *sideways glance* Just kidding. This is a parody.
July 2016 – Putin meets with top aides (the ones who are still alive)
Aides: Sir, Republicans actually nominated that idiot. Now what?
Putin: *mouth twitches*
Aides: *scared* Did your face muscles move?
Putin: That was me laughing. Go shoot yourself in the back of the head but call Assange and Kislyak first.
The Russian ambassador, Sergey Kislyak, was evidently skulking around Trump world, probably working some silver-tongued magic on these guys. He’s probably one of those people who gets you to confide in him because he makes you feel like you’re his best friend and possibly the most interesting person he’s ever met. He’s like your sweet, drunk Grandpa except that sweet, drunk Grandpa is a badass motherfucking spy. Trump and his friends probably didn’t even notice they were getting involved in high crimes and whatnot. They’re like those pot smokers who don’t notice they’ve become drug dealers.
Pot Smoker: Hi dude. Just here to buy my weekly dime bag.
Dealer: Hey, man. Buy a little more and I’ll knock down the price.
Pot Smoker: I’ll sell the extra pot to my buddies and that will cover the cost of my weed habit!
Dealer: You are a genius!
Pot Smoker: Man, I am very lucky to have lots of buddies and extra cash.
Cops: You are under arrest for possession with intent to sell.
Pot Smoker: *genuine shock* I am not a dealer! I just have hundreds of friends and nice electronics. *cries*
That is Trump’s little gang of knuckleheads. They probably didn’t mean to collude with a hostile foreign country – it was all so friendly and made complete sense at the time because Hillary Clinton is a scary lady. Plus, Drunk Grandpa is their bff and he would never dick them over.
Kislyak: You are an American hero, General Flynn. You are also quite handsome. I bet you will beat ISIS and be a world hero one day.
Mike Flynn: *teary eyed* Brown people scare me. Can I have a hug?
Kislyak: *snuggles* I love you. Will you do me a teensy favor as my best friend and suggest chilling out on the sanctions a bit? That would be amazeballs!
(By the way, Drunk Grandpa is darling but he snaps into badass spy mode when he’s dealing with clowns like Carter Page and Roger Stone.)
Kislyak: Hey, Ferret Faces. I will pull out your fingernails if these sanctions aren’t lifted.
Page and Stone: *whining* Why does everyone want to pull out our fingernails?
Kislyak: Shut up and deliver these messages, Ferrets.
While wiretaps, moles, and kompromat would make a great movie, it’s probably more boring than that. Trump may have genuinely thought he was practicing ‘The Art of the Deal: Sanctions Edition’. A guy with no moral compass, a huge ego, and a complete lack of intellectual curiosity can be easily manipulated by charming, Drunk Grandpas.
Kislyak: You are a tremendously great man who should rule the world. I’m going to stroke your ego like a high-budget porn fluffer.
Trump: I love you. We are best friends.
Kislyak: Totally. Lift those sanctions, you brilliant hunk of smoking hot man meat. I’m going to help you beat mean ol’ Hillary and rule the world.
Trump: I can’t wait to lift sanctions and rule the world. Will you curl up on the couch with me and watch cable news?
While it’s possible that this was all a massive Russian conspiracy, it’s likely just a bunch of ambitious, selfish old men who didn’t see anything wrong with taking a little help from a fellow authoritarian like Putin in order to defeat Hillary Clinton. In their heads, she deserved it plus some guys making a few billion on the side would be great for the American economy, right?
They didn’t hack the DNC; they just high-fived about it and didn’t discourage it. Democrats aren’t real Americans to these men anyway because a lot of Democrats are barely humans in their eyes. They don’t care what happens in Europe so why would they care if Russia wanted a little border adjustment in return? It’s every man and every country for themselves in Trump Land where diplomacy is for the weak and everything is a zero sum game.
Things are unraveling now and these guys are getting stressed and acting stupid so we may see how this ends soon. Putin and Trump could be wallowing around in gold bars and billion dollar bills while Europe is screwed and the United States looks the same but stands for something our kids will be ashamed of one day. This could also end with us sitting on a pile of radioactive dust, eating our dogs, while Paul Ryan crawls through the ruins, bleating about tax cuts.
Or maybe most of us will get our happy ending and live long enough to see handsome FBI agents in windbreakers, gently guiding that fuzzy yellow head into the back of a black Crown Vic where he’ll be whisked out of our lives forever into that far-off place where convicted, humiliated ex-Presidents are stashed. The Ferrets will cut deals and live in constant fear of stairs and tea. As for the bloated, old racists who tried to destroy this country, that’s too fun to think about so we’ll save them for another completely imaginary, satirical theory that may or may not be true or false.