The way I flirt now is to tell strangers all about my sleep apnea. If a guy walks up to me in a bar and asks how I’m doing, I will tell him I’m having fun but I can’t wait to go home and strap on my CPAP mask. Men are usually confused and/or repelled until I tell them about my plan to launch an Only Fans page where they can pay to watch me sleep with my mask on. If that particular kink takes off, I’m launching a channel dedicated to bunion feet. I have clearly forgotten how to flirt.

I talk to strangers about sleep apnea because I want to dispel the myth that it’s a mushy old man condition. Mushy old men are the loudest, grossest snorers so they get all the good press but women are also required to breathe at night and there are factors besides excess weight that can mess with the process. I’m not entirely sure what my problem is but I live in Florida where we chat a lot about bad mold vs good mold so I think allergies have something to do with it. Humans weren’t meant to live in a swamp and inhale spores all day long.

My snores were always very quiet and ladylike (I’m sure) but I spent years deprived of oxygen at night until my doctor finally ordered a sleep study. I’m mad at myself for not being more assertive but honestly, I was too fucking exhausted to ask questions. Here’s how I got to my diagnosis:

Me to the doctor:  I’m too tired. This can’t be normal.

Doctor: You have young children. It’s very normal to be tired.

Me: Is it normal to keep forgetting them at Target?

Doctor: That’s probably ADHD. Here’s some Adderall.

Me: *perks up* Well, hot damn. I’ve always wanted jutting hipbones.

Me on Adderall: *murders anyone who chews food*

Husband: I’ve jumped out of airplanes so I’m not scared to eat near you.

Me: *shoves husband out of airplane for chewing a bagel*

Adderall is great for ADHD and I loved looking like a coat hanger but it’s hard to be a decent mother when you’re tweaking like a coke addict and murdering people who whistle. Back to the doctor.

Me: Now I’m tired, irritable, and my head is too big for my body. Also, I’m scared I’m going to murder my grocery bagger for being slow.

Doctor: Extreme irritability is often just anxiety. Here’s a Xanax chaser for your Adderall.

Me on Xanax: *very calmly stacks dead bag boys and gum chewers in garage*

Back to the doctor.

Me: *stares up at doctor from a fetal position*

Doctor: You are obviously suffering from depression which is not uncommon in mothers of young children. Let’s add some Lexapro to your cocktail of psychiatric medications you’re taking for conditions you may or may not have.

Y’all, I was so chill on Lexapro that when a giant man carrying a huge, filthy machete knocked on my car window in a Walgreen’s parking lot (with kids in the backseat) I rolled down my window for him and smiled.

Me: Hey! Watcha need?

Machete guy: uh…money? Or you know, to hack someone to death?

Me: OMG, same! Here’s a couple of bucks.

Machete guy: Thanks? *wanders off in confusion*

Me: *waves* Good luck out there!

I had gotten the kids out of their car seats and checked out at Walgreens before it occurred to me that I’d rattled the poor slob who just wanted to do a little robbing and murdering. And I still didn’t give a fuck. Lexapro was the best but I snored and napped while the kids lit shit on fire all over the neighborhood.

Back to the doctor, several years and brain cells later…

Me: I found earplugs in my husband’s bedside table. I think I might snore.

Doctor: Oh no! Your poor husband! Why didn’t he tell you?

Me: The stack of dead bodies in the garage might have been a deterrent.

Doctor: I better order a sleep study since your husband, who is a man, needs to get some sleep.

Sleep study:  You stop breathing 20 times an hour. You have irreversible brain damage and your heart is going explode soon.

Doctor: Wow! That’s surprising!

Me: *calls friend with machete*

Y’all, the change in my energy level happened within a week of starting on that machine. I try not to think too hard about what my life would have been like with adequate oxygen. My kids definitely would have eaten more vegetables and had better manners if I hadn’t been so tired. I don’t blame my doctor because apnea wasn’t on my radar either and I seemed healthy other than the morning headaches, excessive tiredness, and seething rage. I can see why he thought it was all in my head because I did too.

The moral of this story is that all genders are required to sleep and breathe and all genders can have sleep apnea. Just keep that fact in mind if you’ve got symptoms before you try all the fun drugs. There’s no shame in mental illness and psych meds but there’s no shame in breathing either.

Also, I need other women to be diagnosed and take some shifts on my Only Fans page.

Much love,

Amy

The featured image on this post made me laugh. It’s not me. I don’t do mask pics for free.